Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Cilantro: A Sensory Nightmare

In this premiere episode of Existential Static, we spiral gracefully into the chaotic abyss of life's most pointless annoyances, especially the ones that hit hard when you're already on sensory overload.

From the lone 3 a.m. fire alarm beep that ruins your will to live, to the self-checkout machine loudly announcing your cilantro habits to the entire store, nothing is safe. We’re talking upstairs neighbors who may or may not be professional wrestlers, mystery sock moisture, “quick questions” that trigger existential dread, and of course, Google gaslighting us with its “Did you mean…?” attitude.

This episode is for anyone who’s ever flinched at a notification, judged someone for chewing too loud, or nearly cried over a sticker that won’t peel off clean.

If you're overstimulated and underprepared to face the day, welcome. You’re home.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:08

well good morning welcome to the existential static podcast podcast for people who think peace and quiet it's an absolute scam i'm coffee cowboy and if you're listening to this is a good chance you're one mystery beep away from a full system shutdown today on this podcast we're going to be talking about the dumbest tiniest things that somehow manage to ruin your entire day You know, and I feel that happens with everyone, and not a lot of people talk about it or even mention it. They just go ahead and just live their day melting, dying, you know, and this isn't meant to be a self-help podcast or anything. I don't have any coping strategies. I just have a shit ton of sarcasm and a list of things that I hate, so let's get into it. Um... And I feel we can share, we do share a lot of these things, like the fire alarm beep. Not the full alarm, just that one little passive aggressive chirp you'll hear. What, 400 warning? Why? You know, it's no warning, no nothing. It's 2025. I don't want to have to spend, like, what,$400 on a new fire alarm that's going to tell me when it's going to beep or when the battery... No. We should have that by now. And now... I'm awake with a broomstick trying to find which one. Elephant House, two stories. You know, you're walking around trying to find which one. And I don't know if anyone else has done this, but you think, oh, maybe if I fucking press the button, it'll shut off. And then it just starts screaming. It starts beeping like the house is under attack or something, like it was personal. You know, and it's just that overstimulating, repeating sound. Or just something that's too loud. Like, okay, we all know there's a person out there like this. And it's that person that fucking falls asleep with the TV on. And I'm not talking about, you know, a little relaxing noise in the background, a little waterfall. I don't want to go to sleep with some rain or something. No. Right before they go to sleep, they're like, you know what? We're going to put this in max. We're going to put on the news. Can't wait to hear some infomercials and done. They're sleeping. Like, I don't want to be woken up to that. You know, I used to live in an apartment, or even right now, a neighbor. Why does she have the TV on? It's like, for everyone out there, I know you remember those old infomercials where it's, you know, trying to get you to sell a CD for$19.95 and you call now, you got 17 volumes. of like Shania Twain singing and it is the loudest fucking thing possible and the person listening to this dead tranquilized gone they're sleeping peacefully and I'm laying in my bed and my nervous system my brain doing fucking burpees why and it's the same thing you live in an apartment you have neighbors and what At any hour. And it's the most obscure hour. They're just like, oh, perfect. We're going to go bowling today. No, no. We are going to rearrange our furniture, but do it in a pace that is shocking. Why? Like, why? And I just don't get it. You know, am I too sensitive? Am I being, you know, extra? But I just feel like a lot of people feel this. And it's the same thing. You have your little microaggressions from the universe, whether it be from technology or whatever it is. You know, how many people go to Google, I mean, boom, I'm going to go to Google, I'm going to look something up, and you get that little, did you mean? It's like the internet's way of telling you, fucking idiot, you're dumb. Or like your parents are telling you, oh, I'm highly disappointed. Why? Like, I should not be having to Google hey why does my left eyebrow twitch and then google hits you with like loser no no like i know what i'm looking up for and it's the same thing you're just like oh i got a fucking headache oh my back hurts or something i'm gonna go in there you look it up and google just give you 9 000 pages of like you're probably dying and now for the next 10 minutes i'm like I got to call my doctor. I'd even, is my insurance up to date? Like, I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm dying. Cool. Thanks. That was helpful. You know, and your alarms. Oh, you ever wake up right before your alarm? Like me, I have to wake up early. I go to work super early. So my alarm setups like five in the morning. You ever wake up, it's still dark out. It's just silence and it's perfect. And you're just thinking like, oh, shit, perfect. I can go back to bed now. You pick up your phone. It's 4.59. Like, why? Why is my body waking me up one minute before my alarm? Making me think, well, yeah, I got another hour. No, no, no, no. No. And my... Let's not forget my dryer. And I feel like this happens to everyone. Like I don't like my clothes being wrinkled, but I don't like ironing. So my solution, I'll add the next 20, 30 minutes of my dry load. Everything comes out nice and smooth, a little warm. Perfect. Take them out the dryer, put them up to hang. Why? Is there like two or three socks? Tiny little things soaking wet. You can put a fucking beach towel in there and it's dry. You got the little fibers burned. But the socks are just like, no, we're going to stay wet. It's everyday things. It's everything around my house. I believe they're just, they find little micro ways to say, fuck you. You know, and Personally, I even get this social anxiety going out. I have, you know, it might not be a big thing, probably not diagnosed, should be diagnosed, whatever, fine, boom. But I have an issue of being overly stimulated when I go out. Whether I need headphones, whether I need whatever it is, it just happens. Or I just find that random people just want to make my day a living hell. Like, how many of you hate the, hey, Quick question. Cool. Now I'm spiraling. I'm spiraling. What kind of a question? Am I in trouble? Like, am I being audited? Is the IRS after me? Like, what is it? Like, don't tell me, hey, quick question, because now I'm not going to be paying attention to what you have to say. I'm going to be spiraling. I'm not going to know what the fuck you're saying. Just tell me what it is. Hey, lead into it. Why are you going to start with quick question? Nope. Nope. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I just don't get people. I don't. Or like, have you ever gone into a store looking for something and you go up to whoever's working and be like, hey, you know, do you know where this is? And they're just like, no. That drives me crazy because now I feel like I look like an idiot. Now I'm standing with another person with two idiots. Why am I coming into a store asking you where something is and you're just like, I don't know, let me pull out my phone. I could have done that. The other day I go to Best Buy and ask the guy, I'm like, hey, but, you know, can I get some, do you guys have any like studio recording headphones? Because I'm starting a podcast and I want a pair of headphones. And he's like, that's a good question. I don't know. I feel like the question was straightforward. I look up and I see the headphone section. I'm like, oh, you know, I'm just going to find, I'm trying to avoid the situation. I'm trying to escape. No. He's like, no, no, no, no. I know that's where the headphones are, but let me look up. Maybe I can tell, direct you while the store, I don't need all of that, dude. You could have easily said headphones over there. I'll figure it out. Let me figure it out on my own. I don't want to be walking with you. Cause then that, now we're going to have to talk. You know, my fear is he's going to hit me with the, so buddy, what do you do for fun? Excuse me? I don't know. Unravel emotionally. Like, oh, my pastime? Easy. I get overwhelmed in grocery aisles. I rewatched the same show 14 times because that's what I do. That's what you do for fun. I don't need that, man. No, no, no.

UNKNOWN: 9:34

Just

SPEAKER_00: 9:38

And the self-checkout aisle. Why? I don't want to stand in line. I don't want to be there in a line of people. I don't want to be, you know, you wait there in a line. You got to talk to the cashier. She goes, no, how's your day going? How's your day going? Google said I might be dying today, so I'm here buying cilantro. How's your day going? Why? And I go to the self-checkout where I could be alone. I can have my headphones on. And then just, you know, you get the beep. And then, then this is when the magic happens. Please place your seven pounds of cilantro. The whole store now knows I'm buying seven pounds of cilantro for a recipe that I don't even know if I'm going to execute. But everyone knows now. Everyone knows. And now I have to put my bag, open my bag, and I got to put the cilantro in. And you know what? Maybe no one's looking at it. Maybe I'm just in my own world and everyone's in their own world. Not, you know, whatever it is. But I feel they're watching. And they're just going to be like, this fucking weirdo buying seven pounds of cilantro. Like, I buy cilantro. It's in my fridge. I never use it. It goes bad. Like, what is he doing for seven pounds? And then... You got to walk away and you're walking funny. Like, bro, fucking chill. Like, you're ruining my social life. They're going to know me as Cilantro Man. I just don't get it. I don't. You know, and as you see, I start talking about these things and it just keeps going. Like, I know a lot of people nowadays have Bluetooth headphones. You know, they're just, everything is wireless and whatever. I didn't grow up in that time. I had headphones plugged into a phone. How to wire. Sometimes you got to work the wire a little bit to make it work. And I know you guys are talking about wrap the wire around the phone. I don't. Are you ever out in public and the wire or the cord would touch your arm and your brain's like, you got a fucking giant cockroach the size of Texas on your arm. And then you just start doing like a weird flinch in public. And then you get hot and you got like that weird itchy hot feeling and everyone's looking at you and you're just like... And you try to escape in your phone, and you're like, fuck, what the fuck? Oh, God. I just feel like my life is set up in a way where it's either meant to embarrass me or things just happen to me that I feel like are ridiculous. Like, I have contacts. I wear glasses sometimes. Why is it 2025? Like I said before, my glasses still fog up. No, I can go to the store. and buy Apple AI glasses and just pretend I'm in fucking Narnia or something. I can do that. I can do that. I can buy a fridge that'll say, hey, you're about three cups and a half away from milk. You should buy new milk. We have that. I can't open my dishwasher and become legally fucking blind with the steam and now my glasses are fogged up. I don't know what to do. I can't see what I'm doing. start sweating now i gotta look away and wait for that to happen because if i take them off i'm fucking blind you know why oh now on a roll how about when you're in a computer you're just like you know what you're just relaxing you have a couple of tabs open and you just hear that random a random pop-up a random pop-up come on like who wants to play candy crush and it's like stupid noises and your speakers are connected and now it's like oh perfect bomb defusal scene from a fucking spy movie trying to find this pod this little pop-up that came up and you can't even close it like i don't get it i don't oh now that we're talking about laptops how many of you get the dreaded like 49 person email thread You're CC'd on it. You don't know who CC'd you. But they somehow work where you work. You don't know why it started. You can't somehow escape it. But everyone lives in this email realm now. And everyone thinks it's the greatest thing to answer back. Hey, if you were a fucking serial, what serial would you be? I am trying to not get defunded by the government right now. I don't have any time to tell you... I don't know, lucky charms. Or I feel like I am a cornflake kind of guy. No, that's annoying. Don't do that. I feel like people like that should get written up. Oh, and talking about food, your neighbor's cooking. See, that one can go one of two ways. It's either you come home after a long day You smell your neighbor's cooking. And you look down and you're just like, oh, wow, this is great. I'm having fucking toast with margarine. Cool. Why? I felt like my neighbor's like, oh, you're eating toast? Look at this filet mignon that I'm cooking. Smell this. Doesn't it smell great? Or it's the opposite? When you're cooking and they're making something that smells like it's fresh out of hell, you can't even, you don't even know. You don't even know what the smell is. There's nothing in your system that has registered that smell before. I don't get it. I don't. I don't know. I don't. But, yeah. So, if you're overstimulated, overwhelmed, and you're one cilantro announcement away from collapse, you know, you're doing great. Like I said, this is the first episode. I'm going to try to Keep uploading things like this. It's going to be a long rant. Subscribe if you feel like your life is one long CVS receipt that doesn't end. And I'll catch you next time where everything is too loud, too bright, and slightly damped.